Until this moment I had totally forgotten I ever thought about writing a blog before. It turns out I first had the idea in 2008 and now 6 years later I'm going to attempt this again. I don't really think anything I have to say is particularly interesting, but I was encouraged by a friend today to give it a try. She says it's amazing that people think they are alone in the way the feel and think, but as people read your blog you will find people are more similar than you could imagine. Considering I have been extrememly encouraged by her blog, I guess maybe that could be true.
So, I've named my blog "The Real Me". My intent is to have a place to share my real thoughts, my unfiltered thoughts. How I am on the inside. I would guess some might think my thoughts are silly, or annoying, or ridiculous. To those people I would say, you have a choice not to read my words. Sometimes my thoughts are silly. And sometimes they are annoying (even to me!), but they are me and they make up the person that I am.
And thus, I begin The Real Me with this...Friday was Valentines Day. I hate Valentines Day. I really believe it is the most depressing day of my year. I don't hate love, actually I have chosen to focus 2014 on learning what real love is...love from my heavenly father. (more about this later). But considering that I am almost 33 years old and I've never been able to celebrate a Valentines Day with a "significant other", I find that V-Day is a blaring neon sign that says "congratulations, you are alone again this year". I have had some well-meaning friends remind me time and time again that I am loved by God, loved by my friends, and loved by my family. So I really shouldn't feel bad at all, but let me ask you...as a married person; do you spend Valentines Day with your friends, your family, or with God? Or do you spend it with your spouse. I'm going to go out on a limb and say 99% of people in a relationship spend V-day with that significant other. I know that I am loved, this is not the problem. I just hate that there is a whole day to remind me just how single I am.
Some years are worse than others. Last year was not so bad. There wasn't any guy I was super interested in and so I was not so focused on being alone. In fact, I was down right content. This year, however, was bad. I've spend the last 7 months trying to get to know a certain person (and trying to let him get to know me). I will tell you, it is somewhat rare that a guy really catches my attention, I'm pretty picky I guess you could say when it comes to thinking about investing time dating someone, but when I do find someone I believe to be special...I fall hard. I try so hard to guard my heart and all that, but I'm just not very good at it. Maybe this is a girl thing, or maybe it's a me thing...but I begin to imagine what life could be like with this person. How would my life change, what would our life be like together. And if I can really imagine that and it seems to fit, I fall harder. Sigh.
So I met this man 7 months ago. I can honestly say he is one of the most unique people I've ever met, but that makes every story he has to tell that much more interested. He has a lot of world travel experience (of which I do not) and while I don't know a ton about his life growing up, I can tell his household was probably different than most (in a good way). His sense of humor was the first thing to catch my attention. We exchanged a few emails and he always has a one liner that cracks me up. I wish I could think that quick on my feet! I will say, he is also good looking, but the things that really set him apart are his relationship with God, his servant heart, his love for people, his integrity, and his humility. In short, he's amazing. BUT...of course, he doesn't seem all that interested in me, which poses a problem in the image I have in my head of our future. Being that it's been 7 months, I'm 90% sure he is aware of my interest, and he still doesn't seem to make much of an effort in this friendship...I decide this weekend (Valentines Weekend...the weekend I hate) that it is time to move on. My actual thought was "give up" but a very sweet co-worker says I should use the words "move forward". Yeah, that sounds better. But it FEELS like giving up. And so I am now in the... depressed, when am I ever going to find love, what's wrong with me, I hate this part, maybe if I let go he will notice me and we can really end up together..state of mind.
While in this case, moving forward to protect my heart is the right thing to do...I will not give up on the dream of finding that special person to share my life with. He's out there somewhere. He has to be. And I know when we end up together, I will believe that all the heart breaks and all the depressing and lonely Valentines days will be worth it.
Mandisa: Praying for You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmxEKz-XrR8&list=PL-hceN1n0MBg9O6-f08xm8cN9b_ZhPPZY