In That Place Once Again

"So I wait. And I pray. And I wrestle. And I dream. And I hope. And I fear. And I wonder. How far away is my someday?"

I wrote this in a post from April. I found it while I was reviewing my 2014 posts. I am in this place once again. It hurts more than before.

How does it feel when you think you might have found that "someday" and it appears you are wrong again? For me it feels like I can't take a deep breath and there is a rock sitting in my throat making it hard to swallow. Tears randomly appear in my eyes and conversations play on repeat in my head. 

I will get through it, I always do. "Let's be friends" is the story of my life. But this time feels different. Because this time it wasn't forced. I was me all the time. I thought like me, I talked like me, I wasn't nervous or self-conscious. It was real. It didn't come all at once, but grew moment by moment. And I could see it, the future of what it could be. I can tell that he accepts me for who I am. And I cared for him more with every new thing I learned about him. I was honest. He was honest. Yet, once again I am wrong. How can one person be wrong so many times?

I was told once that "you'll know when it's right." I'm not sure I can believe that anymore. 

Most of what I feel, I still can't quite find words for. It will take some time but we will move forward. I will fake the confidence for a while and then we can still be friends. But right now it hurts and I can't do anything about it.

Lover All Alone -Clay Aiken

Maybe I've convinced myself I've really been in love
And I've been wrong all along
For all I know the feeling and the picture
That I've tried so hard to find isn't mine

Could be it's all just a waiting game
Wanna share my everything

And on my own it's hard to tell my heart it will be alright
This love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be, it's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone without love

Picking up the pieces makes me wonder if
I only built it all to watch it fall
And the faster it can go away it means the less of me
Has gone to stay and I'm okay

But a lonesome tomorrow comes anyway
I'm alone for another day, another day

And on my own it's hard to tell my heart it will be alright
That this love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be, it's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone without love

...

This is the closest expression of how I feel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY69CiNfWok&list=PLGzTpX4txyFD1-TbSZrRYNlShoiYzrnwA&index=2